Nancy G. Brundrett's Heartmusic Journal

Whatever strikes my fancy now and then....
Sunday, January 22, 2006
All the seasons of my life leave me in ah. I have just come through a tough winter season so to speak. God has been faithful all along the journey. Every sojourn through a new season leaves me with a new lesson or two to learn. This time I have learned so much. If I am to obtain the things I need I had to let go of the things I yearned for. Funny and sad at the same time. I wonder if my cup will ever be full of the things I need and want at the same time.

Today it is a moody winter Sunday. "Sunday Morning Coming Down"..Chris Kristopherson song. I look out my window at the foggy pastureland with cattle and my horse grazing. The little young calves folic around. This is the first rain we have had since Dec 1st. I can hear the distant sounds of Sunday drivers headed home through the fog and the mood of today. If you know my heart at all you know I love the rain.

My mother spoke to me in a dream last night. I dream a lot these nights. It was nice to hear her voice again. Her voice gives me hope of eternity. Hope is a very important word right up there with love and comfort.

I read some of my poems today that would fit the mood of this Sunday. Here are a few of them... My father was a published writer as well as a well known actor in Hollywood in the 40's. My mother was a concert pianist. I am thankful their gifts are seen in my writings and in my music. I am thankful my mother's example of spirituality shines through my life.


By: Nancy G. "FIREFLY"
copyright 2004

Each goodbye is the time until the next hello
This space inhabits my heart and soul
Thinking about words frequently exchanged
Many memorable moments like a gift shared
Seems to be an eternity alone together
In the middle of your patterned ways
I feast on our long years of dialogue
Counting your old and new touches makes me smile
It keeps me warm inside deep into the night
Waking though with golden dreams turning into rust

When I hear goodbye I retaliate with many hellos
My words echo back to me sometimes unreceived
Like watching water go down the drain
With all my other longings swiftly retreating
Like the space between hello and goodbye
Always in this silence I can hear
The sound between the ticks of the second hand
I find this a mystery being timeless
It's the emptiness that is forever present
Never absent from the depth of my being

Watching and waiting for the next hello
I can't help but have the time to worry and wonder
So, what is it like in your distant world?
Where are you now? What do you really feel?
Are your thoughts still locked up in your vault?
Falling into my bed in the small hours of the night
Wrestling hard against the current of this flowing river
Into the emptiness of the unsure future
I'm casting light, is that a no trespassing sign up ahead?
Still my heart bleeds for another hello

Are the patterns like the seasons of time?
I'm thinking out loud a lot these days
I am waiting patiently for the next hello
I anguish, will it be now or tomorrow
Or an eternity? I just don't know
Going through the motions from sunrise to sunset
The sun, moon and the stars light my path
When will compassion and forgiveness be found?
I'll be waiting for you between the space of hello and goodbye
It might be forever. Who is to tell?

Fragile like a white rose in the snow
You are laden with the chains you carry
The pain I feel is from the scars I gave others
Now the rain follows me everywhere I go
I'm praying to God to embrace me and free me from the word "goodbye"
One year and a day ago, I held your hellos close to my heart
Treasuring each word, soothing more than you would ever know
In a lifetime, through eternity, that sound, before each ticking time piece
I am overwhelmed and frozen in
The space between hello and goodbye


By: Nancy G. Brundrett

My journey down each endless path is my life
As the breeze hits my face
I recall I've loved deeply
And been loved by many with no boundaries
Watching the yellow rose unfold
It's beauty entailing thorns
Then tracing the petals
Falling to the ground
That's when I miss you the most

Why does love travel it's own road?
The coming and the going
Like all the seasons
Each one with their own colors
Trees and forests come alive with spring
Only to wear a dying look as winter approaches
Standing tall and strong
Most times standing alone
That's when I miss you the most

I rise early to catch the morning light
Comes streaming through my bedroom window
Catching the sun in a prism
All the brilliant colors passing through
You just can't fight off the night
It always comes all too soon
Moonlight gives off orange-like hues
Invisible winds blowing through the willows
That's when I miss you the most

Mountains and oceans call to me now
Sitting and watching the birds floating
Aimlessly in the atmosphere
Clouds for their background flight
Finding a waterfall or two bound for the ocean
Alone as the sunset skies melt into the horizon
My hand is empty now
But I remember your touch so gentle
That's when I miss you the most

Walking down hand-laid brick roads
It's my old hometown again decades later
Swallowed by the shadows
Listening to the past sounds
Stood on my old front porch
Remembering all the goodnight embraces
Words spoken and received
Still locked inside of my heart
That's when I miss you the most

Some say time always heals everything
I say time exposes my mistakes and is cruel
I'm happy your life is full
I regret mine is not
I echoed your name into the canyon
Through miles of ancient walls
It came back to me
It always does
That's when I miss you the most

Pouring into songs now is my passion
Writing my feelings in poems as well
Adding memories to memories
My storehouse is full of so much love
Your earthen brown eyes hold so much warmth
All this love passing through us holds me steady as I sojourn
Not past the tears of a million years
Only the sound of decades of silence
That's when I miss you the most

I wrote those two poems in a special season of my life. I am glad to say I found the peace I was looking for. Being retroflective and always looking back is mostly a waste of time. I do still love to reflect on all the love that has passed through my heart and soul.

I have heard it said that life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you will get. At least every bite of life is good because of the love and favor of God in my life.


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