Nancy G. Brundrett's Heartmusic Journal
 

 
Whatever strikes my fancy now and then....
 
 
   
 
Saturday, April 30, 2005
 
One To Many Times

By: Nancy G.

You broke my heart
You torn me apart
One to many times

Your lying eyes
A lonely heart still tries
One to many times

My tears fall down
All the way to the ground
One to many times

One to many times here I go again
One to many times
Never my lover or even a friend
One to many times

I can your hear the sound
Your love cannot be found
One to many times

Been down this lonesome highway
Iím still searching to find my way
One to many times

One step forward two steps back
Cheating arms and the love you lack
One to many times

You left me homeless
Youíre always blameless
One to many times

One to many times here I go again
One to many timess
Never my lover or even a friend
One to many times

Yes Iíve said goodbye
But I gave it a second try
One to many times

I was a prisoner of pain
But Iím not going back again
Done that one to many times

One to many times
One to many times

Thursday, April 28, 2005
 
Silent Heart

It doesnít matter if youíre here or there
Your empty words you speak mean you donít care
It doesnít matter what you do or donít say
When I know your love is miles away
And all I have to hold is my silent heart breaking
Silent heart aching
This heart of mine you held in your hand
This love of mine cannot stand the winds of time
And all I have to hold is my silent heart

One day I will get up and throw you away
This baggage I carry from the past and today
You cannot say to me what I need to hear
Thereís nothing here anymore that sounds sincere
And all I have to hold is my silent heart breaking
Silent heart aching
This heart of mine you held in your hand
This love of mine cannot stand the winds of time
And all I have to hold is my silent heart

Silent heart breaking
Silent heart aching
Silent heart
Silent heart

The Silent Heart of an Abused Spouse

Written by: Nancy Gottschall

A heart can become silent when living in a household with a spouse that is an abuser. 98% of all spousal abusers are men. I saw on the news the other day the face of a woman who had been beaten to near death by her husband. What types of abuse led up to the final act of violence against her? What are the warning signs? What could have been done to stop this act of violence? Her face was swollen twice its normal size. She had blood red eyes from the trauma of being beaten. Then the news went on to say the husband only got only 6 months in jail. Why did she stay with this abusive spouse? She should have known to leave. Maybe she did not know where to go or how to get help. His control over her was probably so strong she couldnít leave because she was afraid to walk or run away. Who knows? He probably told her if she ever left him or divorced him he would make sure she would not get any thing because, after all, it was all his.

Each abuser is a ticking time bomb. Most spousal abusers start with verbal abuse and then escalate to more damaging abuses. The sad thing is the justice system does not always treat the abusive spouse with the correct punishment. Laws are changing and many law enforcement agencies are getting special training in dealing with domestic abuse. There are domestic violence hotlines that are open 24 hours a day. There are safe houses the abused spouse can go to and take her children if she has children. She can get shelter, medical help and financial help. The abused spouse can obtain a protective order against the abusive spouse also. Unfortunately some cities might not offer the help in time. For instance, the battered spouse might have to show physical bruises etc. to get protection. This should not be the case. Abusers can snap at any moment and become violent because domestic violence in the home tends to escalate from one type of abuse to the next.

Domestic violence and abuse have many names and different characteristics. For instance, verbal abuse is probably the most common. It is the threshold that leads to more damaging abusive behavior. Verbal abuse is the abuser being profane, putting the abused spouse down, making threats, yelling, losing their temper and generally lowering the self-esteem of the abused spouse. They try to erase all joy and happiness from the victim. If they have had a bad day then they are going to certainly share their misery with the abused spouse whether they like it or not. They feel like they need a punching bag to let off their frustations, unhappiness and ill-tempered ways. The abuser will try to draw the children into the abusive, vicious cycle and make them a referee. One or both of their parents abused most abusers when they were growing up. This is a learned behavior. Involving the children teaches them to be abusive or turns them into an abused child. ďYou teach people how to treat you.Ē

Another type of abuse is called mental abuse. It is the constant tearing away of the abused self esteem and mental battering the spouse where they are left feeling hopeless, helpless and selfless. It makes them lose sleep and become anxious. Depression is another feeling that can surround the abused spouse. They are filled with worries and full of fear.

Sexual abuse is very common with the abusive spouse. The abuser tries to manipulate the other into engaging in abnormal and twisted sexual acts against their will. This inflicts pain and shame upon the battered spouse. It turns making love into an act of violence.

Financial abuse is when an abuser withholds all the money and controls their spouse from having any funds. It is all about control. This makes the abused have to beg for funds for their needs. This type of abuse can trap the abused spouse and keep them a prisoner in their own home. They never knows if the bills are being paid. They never knows if the spouse is spending their money responsibly. I have seen abusive spouses let their property go into foreclosure and the abused spouse doe not even know until the last minute, which causes worries and fear of the loss of their property.

Physical abuse is the most dangerous of all. Many abusers use alcohol and that can make them mean and violent. Many abusers know their spouses will not do anything to defend themselves so the abusers unleash their fury and it snaps into violent behavior. I know of a certain incident when an abuser actually went out side and got in his truck and held a loaded gun to his head and just glared at the abused spouse that ran out to try to stop him from committing suicide. She yelled her voice out and called a friend that talked him into unloading the weapon and coming inside. This was very traumatic for the abused spouse because the next day he acted like nothing had happened. He did not seek any professional help. He later told her his only intend was to traumatize her and inflict fear. He wanted her to suffer. He stated he had no intent on killing himself. Was it the alcohol or the violent spirit within him that made him want to scare his wife? When is he really going to go to far and hurt her physically? This act of abuse led to more violence soon after. The wife was driving her truck with her husband sitting in the front seat. She was going 65 mph on a country road at night. The abusive husband became angry and lounged at her and tried to pull the keys out of the ignition. This turned the trucks engine off and locked the steering wheel. Lucky for the wife to think fast and put the gear in neutral and restart the truck so the vehicle would not wreck. As she drove down the road in a panic she decided to drive to a Wal-Mart and park by people. As she pulled into a parking space he attacked her and grabbed the keys from the ignition again, but this time her hand was on the keys and he twisted her fingers so hard they swelled up and were bruised for a week. She opened the door and yelled for the police. Minutes later the police arrived. The cunning and crafty abuser opened the window and told the police she had hit him. The police asked if he wanted to press charges. The fear level was so high in her she was having a panic attack. She stated to the police what the abuser did while she was driving and then about being attacked as she was parking and the officer asked her if she wanted to press charges. Of course she said no. Abused spouses are afraid to do anything like that for fear of retaliation later. She was humiliated when the officer told them, ďNext time one of you is going to jail. ď In her sad depressed state she returned with the abuser to their home. So when will this man snap again because the violence was escalating? Why didn't she just leave?

Spiritual abuse is down right hateful and cruel. It is an abomination in the eyes of God as well as all types of abuse are. For an abusive spouse to attack a personís spirit is probably one of the most damaging acts of abuse. To tear away the faith of a person, to constantly ridicule and put down, to be condensing and make judgmental statements to hurt the heart and soul of their abused mate. I suppose the abuser has to do this to feel better about themselves. Self justification is always in the cold heart of the abusive spouse because they have to justify their violent actions of abuse. They have to look in the mirror and tell themselves they are not abusive. The denial is the hardest pattern to break. It takes professional help and medication. Their pride is just going to keep their eyes blind to the fact that they are a violent abusive spouse. They should be nurturing and loving their mate, but instead they are doing so much damage to the other by not stopping the destructive patterns of abuse. Funny how the abuser never asks for forgiveness and just forgets about the pain and fear they have invoked upon their loved one. They are without compassion and narrow-minded. They obviously have no convictions or even a conscience. They are shallow beings that pick on the weaker sex. They get so hung up on judging their mate they donít take a good look at themselves. This is usually done behind closed doors so the abuser doesnít have to worry about what others think of them. They just love to heap punishment upon their abused spouse. I actually think they get a thrill out of it. It is like they had to let go of some steam so they end up turning the hot vapors on the spouse to burn them so to speak. It is cruel and unusual treatment and they need to turn the rage off. Maybe the abuser is just unable to love themselves. So how can you love your abused spouse if you canít love at all?

Some of the traits of an abuser are unfaithfulness, jealousy, abandonment, with holding of affection, perverted painful intercourse with their mate against their will, betrayal, threats they will divorce the abused spouse and leave them to fen for themselves, envy, greed, lies, selfishness, inability to be kind and loving, control of income, non provider, meanness,
destroying the abused spouses personal property and constant battering of profanities and put downs to invoke punishment to their abused spouse.

It seems the hardest thing to do if you are being abused is to just leave. Sometimes the abused leave and then they return when the abuser is kind or says he is sorry. It may last for a while, but the violent pattern of abuse always comes back and it comes back even harder on the abused spouse. Of course the abuser promises to get professional help, but he has convinced himself that the abused spouse is the cause of all of it and they are the one who needs help. They are critized for being lonely, fearful, anxious and depressed. That is what abuse does to a person if they donít decide to just walk or run away. Some abused spouses have a safe bag. It is a bag that contains a few things for their needs if they do have to leave suddenly.

The abused spouse needs to know that there is a safe place for them to go, even with the kids, to avoid the constant battering of abuse and be safe from that abuser. There are safe houses in most cities for them to go to and be sheltered and get counseling. They can get the courage to call the 24-hour domestic violence hotlines and get help. They can slap a protective order on the abuser and they cannot come near them or have any weapons in their house or in their vehicle. Most abusers will break the rules because they believe they are above the law. This can be scary and dangerous to the abused and battered spouse. They need to put many miles in-between them and the abuser. Although the public is being educated on domestic violence, some cities will protect the abused, but some ďgood ole boysĒ towns will not. The abused might have to show physical abuse such as bruises etc. The law enforcement agencies need to stop the abuse before it escalated to bruises. The abuser needs to go to jail or get some professional help. They are the ones that needs the punishment.

One day the abuser will go all the way with the acts of violence. It happens all the time. A spouse comes home get a gun kills the children, kills the spouse and then turns the gun on himself. Just watch the news because it is becoming a growing trend in domestic violence. Didnít anyone around them see the warning signs? Did the abused spouse think the abuser would not go that far? Where are the friends and other family members? Do they know what is going on in the house of rage? Some folks probably just donít want to get involved. A policeman told me once the most dangerous distress call into the police station is one of domestic violence because the officer will be putting himself or herself in danger trying to help the abused spouse. Sometimes the abuser is cunning and crafty. They know how to avoid getting in trouble with the law by keeping the abused spouse controlled and keeping the violence behind closed doors. Those kinds of abusers wear a mask when in public with their abused spouse. They donít want to be seen for the deranged person they really are in public.

I know God looks down and cries for the abused and is angry with the abuser. Only God knows the true intent within our hearts. You cannot hide from God. God have mercy on the abused and punish the abuser. The abusive spouse will have the day when they will come before the throne of God. The book of life will be opened to their page. The Lord will read out loud all their transgressions. Every knee shall bow and be held accountable for their sins. There is a place called the lake of fire that will be the home for many abusers. The Bible says, ďGod will bless them that bless His children and curse them that curse His children.Ē Hey abuser, God is watching and He is taking notes!

I canít help but think where did the love go behind those closed doors of domestic violence? Was there any real love in the heart of the abuser when they entered into a union of marriage? It is so much easier to love than to be hateful and inflict pain on the abused spouse. I pray for all the abused souls that God protects them and helps them see there is a way out to a safe place.

I pray the silent hearts of the world will wake up and speak out against this growing dangerous epidemic of domestic violence. There is hope. This is a light at the end of the tunnel. They can survive and move on and one day find a place of peace and love. They can find help and protection so they can live a normal healthy life. Their children can be shielded from the abuse and can grow up happy and not afraid. They can use the criminal justice system to protect them and put the abusers behind bars, after all they themselves have been living a life of imprisonment staying with the abuser. Knowledge is the key to wisdom. Courage is what is needed. I pray for the silent heart of the abused ones to wake up and take that first step out of the door of that abusive household. Each day away from the abusive spouse will be one step closer for them to heal their broken, silent heart.

Here are some helpful links on domestic violence and spousal abuse:

Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse Site
http://drirene.com/verbalabuse.htm

Gift From Within
http://www.giftfromwithin.org/index.html

National Domestic Violence Hotline Site
http://www.ndvh.org/

Sunday, April 17, 2005
 
My Heart Set Sail

By: Nancy G. Brundett
www.nancy-heartmusic.com

My heart set sail
Upon the ocean of joy
Floating on the waves of love
Not looking back
At the fires
Burning on the shoreline

Smiling dolphins
Follow and protect me
My soul finds it's peace
Floating out to sea
I watch each sunrise and sunset
Each one has it's majestic unique colors

In the quiet moments of the night
I watch the stars come alive
Dancing, twinkling lights
In the ebony painted heavens
Surrealistically my vessel
Searches for a deeper still experience

It's my journey, my time
To find myself again
I am on my path to truth, faith and hope
Destination grace, comfort and peace
My heart set sail
Upon the ocean of joy
 
Seeking the peace of God?

RESTING ON THE ARMS OF ETERNAL PEACE

Poem authored by Cynthia W. Harris

Resting on the Arms of Eternal Peace
Rising up in the rapture
To meet Jesus in the air is where I will be
To look at the Savior face to face
To worship and praise Him
For His Amazing Grace.
There were times when I had little faith.
Thank you Lord for keeping me in Your Word
And showing me the way.
Lord You said that You would release the bonds
That hinder us day to day
Only if we trust You and humble ourselves when we pray.
There is a great comfort in the Saviorís arms
Just seek Him and He will keep youSafe from harm.
The Winds of God are blowing
In the Holy Place
Preparing His children
To one day soon see His face.
Only then can we say
We are truly
Resting on the Arms of Eternal Peace
With our Precious Savior and Lord
Is where we will be.

*I pray that everyone who comes to my journal and reads this special poem will find the peace of God in their life!

www.nancy-heartmusic.com

Wednesday, April 13, 2005
 

Forgetfulness

The name of the author is the first to go

followed obediently by the title, the plot,

the heartbreaking conclusion, the entire novel

which suddenly becomes one you have never read,

never even heard of,

as if, one by one, the memories you used to harbor

decided to retire to the southern hemisphere of the brain,

to a little fishing village where there are no phones.


Long ago you kissed the names of the nine Muses goodbye

and watched the quadratic equation pack its bag,

and even now as you memorize the order of the planets,
something else is slipping away, a state flower perhaps,

the address of an uncle, the capital of Paraguay.
Whatever it is you are struggling to remember,

it is not poised on the tip of your tongue,

not even lurking in some obscure corner of your spleen.
It has floated away down a dark mythological river

whose name begins with an L as far as you can recall,

well on your own way to oblivion where you will join those

who have even forgotten how to swim and how to ride a bicycle.
No wonder you rise in the middle of the night

to look up the date of a famous battle in a book on war.

No wonder the moon in the window seems to have drifted

out of a love poem that you used to know by heart.

www.nancy-heartmusic.com

 

 
   
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